


you are my favourite "what if" (you're my best "i'll never know")

by transzoemurphy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Based on a Fall Out Boy Song, Canon Typical Triggers, Character Study, Gay Jared, Jared POV, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Stream of Consciousness, Unrequited Love, canon typical language, i guess?? like?? arguably??, roman w banks!evan, sky lakota lynch!jared, theyre in LOVE baybey!!, this song is SO good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 11:09:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19766962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzoemurphy/pseuds/transzoemurphy
Summary: jared wonders, "what if?"





	you are my favourite "what if" (you're my best "i'll never know")

**Author's Note:**

> this is roman w banks as evan and sky lakota lynch as jared because im the only valid person alive

"Jared Kleinman is in love with Evan Hansen" was a statement comparable to "the sky is blue" or "water is wet" or "pineapple on pizza is objectively really good." It had been true for about as long as Jared could remember, from when he was eight and they constructed a city in Evan's backyard, to that day in the hallway senior year when Evan grabbed a knife and thrust it deep into Jared's chest and twisted.   
Evan had Jared wrapped around his pinky finger from basically the second they met. Even when Jared was at his worst anxiety-wise, if there was a mistake in Evan's order, he was out of his seat before Evan got a word out.   
Jared hadn't seen Evan since the end of senior year. He was a freshman in college now, burning bridges before he ever crossed them.   
But what if he had seen Evan?  
What if they'd met again? What if he'd caught a glimpse of Evan out of his peripheral vision while he was, like, walking his dog or something?  
Evan would be older now, having turned 19 a few months ago. He probably got at least a little bit taller. If he loved trees as much as he used to, he was probably still toned from tree climbing and just, like, winning the entire fucking genetic lottery. It was like that meme showing God saying he was going to put "a little bit" in the pot and then dumping it all. "I'm just gonna give Evan a little bit of hotness, not so much that he's devastatingly attractive and probably a danger to the heart rate of one Jared Kleinman."  
Hopefully Evan had gotten better. He was a colossal asshole, but Jared really did care for him. The way Evan's life was completely inhibited by his anxiety was hard to watch. Jared learned to function outside of it, but it still made everything incredibly difficult for him. But most days, Evan didn't even leave his house.   
Maybe Evan would look over at him, do a double take, and call out his name. And Jared would say something cool, like, "hey man, it's been a while," or, "god, you're so fucking beautiful, did you know you caused my sexuality crisis?" Something cool like that.   
Maybe Evan would grab him by the collar of his shirt and smash their lips together and they could have passionate sex in some hidden trail in some park at three in the morning.   
Maybe Jared would see Evan and just punch him in the face. No he wouldn't.   
The whole "3am passionate outdoor sex" idea was sounding pretty great. Like, why bother talking about your feelings and apologising for your actions when you could get dicked down by the hot guy you've been in love with for years?  
Whatever.   
Maybe Jared would say hi back. And they'd start up a nice light conversation, tentatively avoiding talking about the herd of elephants in the room.   
— Hey, it's been a while, how's Heidi?  
— Oh, she's good. How's your mom?  
— Uhh idk lmao, I got kicked out because I'm a raging homo.   
Yeah. Great conversation starter.   
But they'd commit to their awkward small talk for a while but then What Happened would come up.   
And Evan would do what he always did and avoid the problem, avoid talking about his feelings, avoid Jared—  
No. Evan would be better now. Evan would tell him where Jared had gone wrong to make Evan treat him like he was expendable, and Jared would tell Evan that he was so mean because he was insecure and in love, and then they'd have passionate gay sex in the park, like, if he was lucky. Or maybe they'd just talk, catch up, hang out; like, if he was lucky.   
Any night like tonight, he could be walking outside in the dark, thinking for hours on end. Jared had always listened to Fourth of July by Fall Out Boy when he took those long dramatic nighttime walks, and Evan listened to Hear Me by Imagine Dragons, and if Jared and Evan had anything in common anymore, their go-to song would stay the same.   
Their headphones would blare their respective songs but stay around their necks as the two caught up, and the wind would whip through Jared's hair and back into the streets of New York, and the lights would flicker in Evan's brown eyes, flecks of colour dancing across his gorgeous face.   
As much as he hated to admit it, Jared was still hopelessly, helplessly in love with Evan Hansen.


End file.
